1 minute inside the mind of a 40-year-old father of two

Any day with a 5-year-old and an almost-3-year-old will have its share of histrionics and calamities but surprisingly, most conclude with a half-hour window of calm. Typically we let the kids watch a Nick Jr. show in their PJ’s before the brushing of teeth, reading of books and going to bed.

Getting to that point is somewhat epic in scope so the goal is to not lose that peace between then and bedtime. This segment of the day often involves a small snack of fruit and perhaps a spot of milk.

Here is one minute inside my head.  Apologies in advance:

“OK. Kids are squared away. Need grapes. Elliott wants red grapes. Margo wants some red grapes and some green grapes. Do I still need to cut them in half for Margo? Oh wait, we’re past that now. Last time she clearly directed me ‘not cutted up’. Don’t cut.  OK.  She’s really stinkin’ cute. She could make millions. Who wouldn’t buy whatever that kid was selling? But then is she going to want to wear makeup when she is 6? Disaster. Not doing it. Grapes. Which bowls to use? If I give Elliott the blue bowl and Margo the green bowl she’ll freak out. But Elliott is coming around on orange so maybe I can give him the orange and her the blue one. Crap. The orange bowl is dirty. Do I clean it? The yellow one is clean. Right, like he’ll go for that … I guess I have to clean this stupid orange bowl. OK fine. Red grapes, orange bowl. Not the prettiest color scheme but no style points here. Blue bowl gets red and green grapes ‘not cutted up.’ Grapes are pretty good. Am I getting fat? Maybe I should go on an all grape diet. Wine is made from grapes. Ooh maybe after the kids go to sleep I can have a glass of wine on the porch. It’ll never happen. I’ll fall asleep putting Elliott to bed. Where’s Kristen? Where’s the IPad? Did she snag the IPad after folding that laundry? Sneaky Pete! What about the milk? Why do I even still pour them milk? They barely drink any at bedtime. This organic milk costs more than the clothes I’m wearing.  Do they make thimble sized sippy cups? They should. Maybe I should  I’m going to invent that. I’m totally going to. Where is the friggin’ princess cup with the straw? I hate that stupid cup. F. It’s in the car. I’m not going out to the car to get that leaky fuckin’ cup ok? I should just go. I can sit here and steam about it or just go and get the damn thing and be done with it. Is that the NY Times? What kind of household is this when it is 8 p.m. and I haven’t even picked up the NY friggin’ Times from the porch? I’m taking too long. Gotta get upstairs in 30 seconds or less or with these damn grapes or this whole thing is gonna blow wide open. I’m totally reading that paper though. 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6 Responses to 1 minute inside the mind of a 40-year-old father of two

  1. Lisa says:

    Dude, you nailed it. Although I WANT A TISSUE (and it better not come apart) is in our rotation. I’d like to tell you it gets less complicated, but we’re still in the weeds here at 5 1/2 and still on the twins payroll.

  2. Amy Kindrick says:

    Wow. That resonated more than any parent authored article, blog, email, post I have ever read. Every detail of that was familiar….and you should SO take the thimble sippy cup idea to shark tank. If I had even a penny for every sip of organic milk that goes down the drain Id be filthy stinkin rich. And, yes, Margo should so be in advertising. I’d buy ANYthing she promotes!!!! Xoxox

  3. Megan S. says:

    I just guffawed. Brilliant.

  4. Wendy B. says:

    You crack me up! (I tell you that time after time.)

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